Green Light

The Green Light (and the Panic That Comes With It)

Well, I finally heard back from my insurance company. On Friday evening, while we were out running errands, I got an email - and it looks like insurance has approved all of my doctor’s requests for treatment. That means I’ll most likely be starting radiation very soon.

Cue the panic.

It’s funny how relief can so quickly turn into a whole new kind of stress. For weeks, I’ve been stuck in limbo - waiting, hoping, wondering. And now that the green light is finally here, all the fears I’d tucked away are flooding back in. So yes, I’m relieved… and yes, I’m panicking again. Welcome to the emotional rollercoaster of cancer care.

I imagine I’ll hear from my doctor’s office soon to set up the schedule. It’s still so scary, and I know the nerves will build as the start date gets closer. Hopefully, I’ll be one of those people who says, “Radiation wasn’t so bad,” and it’ll all go smoothly. But for now, it’s the fear of the unknown that’s weighing on me.

In the midst of all this, I just want to say how grateful I am for my job. They’ve been so kind and supportive through everything. I was able to take about a month off without any issues, and now that I’m back - though not full-time - they’ve been incredibly understanding about my weird schedule, especially with radiation on the horizon. It isn’t a lot of money, but it’s a pleasant job with genuinely kind, patient people. That makes such a difference right now.

As if that weren’t enough emotional weight for one weekend, we’ve also been helping our daughter pack and clean her apartment for her big move to Wyoming. She’s accepted an incredible job there - a chance to live under the stars, literally, guiding stargazing tours. It’s exciting and adventurous, and I’m so proud of her. But I’m also heartbroken to be so far away.

On Monday, we took her to the airport. She’ll be gone for four months, and then we’ll see what’s next. I’m still hoping she gets into a PhD program or finds something in her exact field. Saying goodbye was harder than I expected. I cried more than I thought I would as I hugged her for the last time until November.

There’s just so much happening all at once. My heart feels full and heavy, proud and aching.

I keep reminding myself: it’s okay to feel overwhelmed. It’s okay to be scared and strong, proud and heartbroken, grateful and exhausted - all at the same time. That’s what this season is teaching me.

One thing at a time, I guess.