On Second Thought

Maybe I was being a little melodramatic and overly emotional in my last entry. Maybe my feelings are still a bit raw, and that makes them hard to interpret clearly. I’ve spent a lot of time over the past few days just thinking about how lucky I’ve been. Feeling gratitude in the face of it all.

Yes, it’s horrible that this happened. It’s awful that I had to go through cancer and all the treatments. Cancer is a heavy word to carry, no matter the size or stage. But I’m also acutely aware that it could have been a million times worse. From the very beginning, my situation was relatively straightforward. It was caught very early. It was always stage 0. I didn’t need chemotherapy. My surgery went well, and radiation seems to have been a success. Through it all, I managed to keep my sense of humor and my positive attitude. My husband has been beside me every step of the way, and I haven’t had to shoulder the added burden of financial stress. I’ve had support, stability, and - thankfully - healing.

I think it’s okay to admit that I’ve had moments of self-pity. That’s human. Processing something like this isn’t neat or tidy. And the deep emotions I expressed before are true. But I also want to keep things in perspective. What I went through was serious, and it changed me in ways I’m still discovering - but it was also survivable. Treatable. And right now, it looks like I’m cured - cancer free.

Still, I can’t help but notice how shaken I’ve been. I wonder if I might have a form of PTSD or something. The medical part is over, but it was an insane whirlwind of unexpected fear and pain. I get waves of anxiety over nothing. I spiral in the quiet moments. I can’t stop thinking about what I’m allowed - or not allowed - to do, eat, or drink. The new rules for survival. I keep bracing myself for bad news, even when there isn’t any. My body got through this, but my mind feels like it’s still stuck in panic mode. The fear of recurrence is real, and it’s always close.

It’s strange how even when everything goes right, cancer still leaves a mark. People sometimes downplay early-stage diagnoses, as if they’re not real cancer. But there’s no such thing as a light version of facing your own mortality. Even the best-case scenario is still scary, still painful, still life-altering. I mean - no cancer is always better than any cancer.

I hope this is it. I hope I never have to face cancer again. I know my situation was better and easier than what many others go through. And now that I do know what other people go through, I’m grateful that I was spared those nightmares. So while I’ll always wish this hadn’t happened to me at all, I’m deeply thankful that it happened the way it did. That I got the easier version of a very hard thing. A highly treatable version of one of life’s scariest diseases. That I get to be here now - healthy, healing, and moving forward.