Gratitude in the Midst of It All

Gratitude in the Midst of It All

Throughout this experience, I’ve absolutely had moments of feeling sorry for myself. I’ve felt terror and sadness. I’ve felt the heavy press of mortality. I have been wildly depressed and dealt with debilitating anxiety attacks. I have had to keep my Xanax and/or Ativan close at hand.

But alongside all of that, I’ve also felt immense gratitude. And once I was able to make major decisions, I was able to walk away from all the anxiety or panic attacks. I put away all the Rx I was using to help me through all of the nightmares. I found I could feel “normal” again.

I keep thinking - in the strangest way - that if I had to have cancer, I got just about the best possible kind. Isn’t that an odd thing to say? Cancer is a nightmare, no matter the type. But the truth is, breast cancer is the most well-studied, and the treatments have advanced so far. We live in the best possible time in history for effective care. And I was given a very treatable form.

I feel grateful. And incredibly lucky.

I’m also deeply aware that so many others are facing things a thousand times harder. That awareness humbles me. The way the stars have aligned for me - it’s not something I take for granted.

I have an amazing husband. Children who are here for me and make me so proud. Friends and family who care. A team of doctors who are clearly at the top of their game. Access to cutting-edge machines and treatments. Support at every turn.  And now, my Tesla to drive me to and from my appointments!

It’s never lost on me how fortunate I am to be walking this path with so much strength and love behind me. I feel so thankful - I do NOT like to use the word “blessed” because that assumes the concept of “cursed.”  But I absolutely do feel I am lucky and fortunate and thankful - I just can’t say “blessed.”  

The other day, I posted on social media about our new Tesla. What I didn’t say was why we got it - because I’ll be driving five days a week for six weeks to Saint Augustine for radiation. I hesitated. I’m still nervous about sharing this part of my journey online.

I’ve wrestled with whether or not to say anything publicly. It’s not exactly a secret, but I don’t know if I want this to be the first thing people think of when they think of me. And I’m not sure I’m ready for a flood of well-meaning questions or messages.

But then I wonder if sharing this story does matter - if maybe someone else is quietly going through something similar and might find comfort in knowing they’re not alone. I don’t know the right approach. I’m just feeling it out as I go.