Reflections from Today

July 4th Reflections

The 4th of July used to be such a busy, noisy day. But now, with our kids grown, it's much calmer - and I kind of like that. We spent the day with my mom and stepdad, did some shopping to work on the Tesla plug for the garage, had lunch, and tackled the grocery list. Just a regular, peaceful day.

And that’s the part that keeps catching me off guard - how “normal” things can still feel. I have no pain right now, no lingering issues. I’m just me. Sometimes I have to consciously shake off the heavy weight of this is major and instead lean into this is okay.

I had hoped to see the kids today, but I know how it goes. My son spent the day at the beach with his girlfriend. My daughter was out with friends.

Still, my daughter's new job is looming large in my heart. She’s heading so far from home - Wyoming - to lead stargazing tours in national parks. It’s temporary, maybe. But maybe not. If she loves it, or if they love her, it could turn into something long-term. I’m excited for her - what a beautiful and unique opportunity! But I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t panicked too. Stargazing means working nights, in remote dark places, far from cell service and city lights. It sounds magical and scary all at once. I’m proud, I’m nervous, I’m... everything.

My son still lives nearby, which I’m grateful for, but he’s busy. He works hard and has a girlfriend. He makes the effort to keep in touch and visit when he can, but life is changing. My kids aren’t kids anymore. They have lives, responsibilities, relationships.

I’m also doing a lot of thinking about how to live after this diagnosis. Am I supposed to walk through life constantly afraid that the cancer might come back? Or can I pretend - at least a little - that this was just a bizarre one-time event and it’s over now? I hear stories all the time of people who had something just like what I have, and it never returned. That’s my plan: this is just a really hard year, full of treatment and stress, and then it will be behind me. Done.

I’ve also been questioning what changes I’m supposed to make now. Diet? Lifestyle? Alcohol? I know that cutting out alcohol completely is the healthiest thing. But honestly, I don’t know how I feel about that. I don’t drink to cope. I’m not dependent. But I do enjoy it - making cocktails, sipping wine, relaxing with a drink on the weekend. It’s part of my life and our social flow. I don’t know if I want to give that up entirely. Maybe just cut back. Be mindful. Allow myself to enjoy the ritual, just less often.

Since radiation has been delayed a bit, I’ve started moisturizing my skin every day like they recommend. Apparently, it helps to start early. But ugh - it’s July in Florida. That sticky, sweaty lotion feeling is the worst. Still, if it helps, I’ll do it.

And I guess I’m still learning how to be okay with that too. Today's post is just some rambling thoughts.