The Day Before

The Night Before

It’s Sunday. The day before radiation starts.

I keep hoping that in a couple of months, I’ll look back on this heavy sense of dread and feel silly - like maybe I worried too much, or turned this into something bigger than it needed to be. Maybe I made a boogeyman out of something that ends up being manageable.

But right now? It doesn’t feel silly. It feels overwhelming and terrifying.

Part of me keeps thinking, what if tomorrow begins the worst experience of my life? I know that sounds dramatic - and I know it probably is - but that’s how deep the fear goes. I just wish I could hit fast-forward and land two months from now, looking back with relief, knowing that none of this was as awful as I imagined. That I got through it.

Maybe that’s what will happen. Maybe future-me will read this with a soft smile, knowing I made it. But tonight, I’m just a scared girl doing her best to be brave.

I’ve been thinking that one way to cope with the anxiety is to just treat this like it’s not a big deal - like I’m just going to a quick appointment, the same way I would for a haircut or a teeth cleaning. Bing bang boom, no big deal. I’ll come home and go about my day like everything is fine. Because privately, I’ll give myself the space to cry if I need to. But outwardly, I don’t want to bring everyone else down. I don’t want to feel like a burden. And I worry that if I’m always upset, people won’t know how to talk to me - or worse, they’ll start avoiding me.

And the truth is, I can’t be responsible for comforting everyone else. People might be worried about me or upset that this is happening - but it’s happening to me, and I can’t fix their stress or sadness. I have to stay focused on myself and on coping the best I can. So it feels easier not to talk about my pain or fear or sadness. It feels easier to act like I’m okay, to say everything’s good, and to stay focused on protecting my inner peace.

My mom and stepdad will be staying with us during most of my treatment, and honestly, I wish I were going through this with a quiet house. Alone. But maybe their presence will help distract me. Maybe it’ll keep things from feeling too heavy all the time. Maybe being busy will keep me from spiraling.