The Dry Run

Dry Run

Today was my dry run for radiation.

They showed me where I’ll change clothes, where the gowns are, and where the waiting room is. Then I went into the treatment room and laid back onto the mold they had made for me earlier. The machines are massive - mounted on a huge circular track above and around the treatment table. I was positioned on the bed in the center, and I was honestly surprised by how big and imposing the machine was. I’ll take pictures next time.

But today was just… emotional.

The nurses were, as always, amazing - sweet, patient, kind. They explained everything, helped me feel safe, and when it was all done, one of them hugged me. A long, warm, sincere hug - and I completely broke down. I sobbed. I was surprised by how upset I felt.

I still cannot believe this is happening to me. I try to remain stoic, strong, good-natured… but sometimes it all just crashes down on me, and today it did. I am so scared, while I am laying in these machines and looking at the ceiling, I feel actual terror. I actually have to try to not hyperventilate. But tears ran down my cheeks while I was there today, even though I know there was no radiation today, I know its coming soon and I am horrified and terrified and I want to run away.

Afterward, I gave myself a little treat. I used the Tesla summon feature - I stood under the porte-cochère and summoned my car. It drove right up to me like magic. It was such a cool, almost surreal moment, and I actually smiled. I was so glad I didn’t have to walk to my car. I just loaded my things and climbed in. If it ever rains after treatment, this will be so helpful. And this has been an incredibly rainy summer.

Still, I drove home in a fog, thankful for the full self driving on days like this. Disconnected. Disoriented. I felt like I was floating just outside myself, stunned and shaken. I try so hard to be brave. I try so hard not to burden anyone with my emotional breakdowns. But the truth is - I’m devastated.

When I got home, I went straight to bed and cried my head off. I lay there for 30 minutes just sobbing, overwhelmed, still trying to grasp that this is real. That this is my life. 

As I lay in bed crying, my husband came and sat beside me, quietly rubbing my side. He offered whatever comfort he could, but I know he feels helpless - like he wants to fix this and can’t. He’s still working, still carrying so much pressure and stress from his job, and I feel guilty. I worry that I’m adding to his weight. I feel like a burden sometimes - not because he makes me feel that way, but because I can be my own worst enemy.

My schedule is all set, they gave me a printed calendar. I start on July 21st and finish on September 4th. Unbelievable. I am still just stunned and I feel dizzy just thinking about this.