20 of 33 - Week #4

 

20 sessions done – 13 more to go.

This week began just past the halfway mark in my radiation treatments. The finish line feels closer now, but each day still brings its own challenges. Right around the 3rd week, my skin started to show the strain. The rash under my breast has spread along my ribs, and the Florida heat makes it worse. Some areas are darkening like a tan, while others are itchy and tender. The skin between my breasts has also become feeling “tight.” It is so thin over my sternum that I sometimes feel as if it could split if I am not careful. At night, I roll up a soft washcloth and tuck it between my breasts to keep the skin from pressing together or rubbing. 

To manage all of this, my doctor has me using Silvadene ointment, saline soaks, and a soft nonstick gauze pad. It is more maintenance than I feel like dealing with, on top of the constant application of lotion and aquaphor, but it does help.

On top of the skin issues, I am also dealing with all-over swelling from water retention, which leaves me puffy looking and adds a few pounds. And then there is the fatigue. It does not come every day, but when it hits it feels like my energy has been scooped out from the inside. I am learning to listen to my body and rest when it asks me to. Plus, today I had an upset stomach, related? Doubtful. But everything that happens, it makes me wonder if its radiation induced.

There is an emotional weight to this process too. Some days, walking into the building and seeing the waiting room full of patients stirs a heavy sadness. It reminds me of the reality we are all facing, and sometimes it leaves me feeling melancholy or even a little panicky. All these people, all facing cancer of different sorts, with other health or personal issues that they are juggling also. It’s just overwhelmingly sad to see the lobby packed with people, and know they’re all going through some really tough times. Of course, the nurses and staff are always kind, and I walk out smiling with a “see you tomorrow,” but inside I am still stunned this is happening to me. I try to keep it all in perspective, but there are moments when I feel very alone and discouraged.

On the brighter side, all my recent bloodwork came back exactly as hoped. No surprises, no bad news - just steady results that feel like a small relief in the midst of so many disappointments. At home, the quiet of an empty house has been a gift. I did not realize how much harder it was to care for myself with others in the house until I had the space again.

Through all of this, the drive to and from treatment has become one of the simple joys of my day. It is a straight-shot road with little traffic, and I use the time to listen to audiobooks, catch up on podcasts, or talk with friends and family. That quiet drive has turned into my small window of peace – a moment to breathe before returning home to focus on healing.

Now I find myself wondering how it will feel when this is all over. My daily drives will be behind me, and I will have time again for other things. With some healing, maybe I can feel like myself again. I hold onto that hope as I move through these last 13 sessions. My end date is still on schedule for September 4th.