A Pause

Monday, August 25 - Day 26 of 33

After the pain and discomfort from the weekend, I felt awful going to radiation today. I am emotionally drained, and I feel like I am physically at my limit. I talked to the radiation techs and they looked at my skin. Everyone says this is normal and these things are expected, but I just can’t believe how miserable I feel.

Once I got positioned on the machine, I couldn’t stop myself - I started crying and tears ran down my face for the duration of the treatment. When it was done, the two radiation techs told me to just sit and rest for a minute. They gave me encouraging words and also made sure I would see the doctor before treatment tomorrow instead of after.

I sat in the dressing room and sobbed for a few minutes before I got dressed and headed out. I brought Silvadene and a fresh nonstick pad with me, so I did some maintenance before the drive home. The whole way, I felt like I was in a daze. I know it’s normal to feel this emotional, but I am still stunned this is happening to me, and I’m overwhelmed by what it all means for the rest of my life.

When I got home, I laid down for a while, then decided I needed to get moving. I walked around the backyard and saw my milkweed plants going to seed. I collected seeds and sprinkled them around the yard, hoping we’ll have more monarch butterflies next season. I even pushed myself to do housework - vacuuming and dishes and laundry.

I need to keep moving. I need to stay busy.

Tuesday, August 26 - PAUSE

After how bad I felt on Monday, the team asked me to stop and see the doctor before my radiation session today. Thankfully, she said I could take a couple of days off from treatment. That means no radiation on Tuesday or Wednesday. I’ll see her again on Thursday before treatment, and she’ll decide if I should take more time off or if I can continue. My end date will now be pushed back by two days, but I don’t mind at all. I really need this break. My skin is a mess, and I am just exhausted.

I was so grateful my husband was able to come with me today. It helps to have him there when I see the doctor - he keeps me grounded, helps me remember everything, and keeps me organized. The doctor is calling in a prophylactic antibiotic for my skin, and they also want me to take pain medication for the discomfort. The nurse explained that my injuries are similar to road rash, and she reassured me that I’m not being a baby by complaining about the pain. Both she and the doctor said they were actually amazed at how long I made it without major issues.

They mentioned that women with larger breasts tend to have more side effects, and the fact that I was able to get this far before things got bad enough to need a break was surprising to them. I’m just thankful to have this time off. I need it, and I plan to take good care of my skin and rest as much as possible. Hopefully by Thursday and Friday I’ll be able to get back on track and keep moving toward the finish line.

Wednesday, August 27 - Pause

I stayed home and rested all day. I had a bizarre reaction to the antibiotic they prescribed. It made me extremely drowsy and dizzy - I felt completely drugged. On top of that, I had a neck ache, which I later found out can also be a side effect. The whole experience was strange and unsettling.

I won’t be taking that medication again. They called in a new antibiotic for me, but I’ve decided to wait until Thursday to start it, just to give this first one time to fully leave my system.

I really needed this break. I am so thankful for the flexibility and I am sure it will help me survive the next few sessions.