I Just Have to Complain

I Just Have to Complain

This weekend has really brought me a lot of pain and discomfort. For some reason it felt like all the problems with my skin got worse at once, and by Saturday night I even sent a message to my care team asking if there was anything else I could do to help with the pain.

Several times, the pain last night was so sharp and wincing that it took my breath away and brought tears to my eyes. The open sores under my breast are absolutely killing me, and they make even the simplest movements difficult.

Now on Sunday, I feel drained. There’s discomfort all the time. The sharp pain only happens when I have to touch the areas that are raw, like when I put on Silvadene and cover it with a nonstick gauze pad. I had a hard time even getting out of bed this morning, and by 1:30 I had to lay back down.

I have so many things I need to be doing, but I’m just too exhausted. Grocery shopping, laundry, and housework will all have to wait.

I keep thinking about how much money I’ve spent on supplies throughout this experience. Different lotions, ointments, soaps, gauze pads, special bras, and even soft t-shirts that won’t rub my skin the wrong way. It feels like I’ve had to build a whole new wardrobe and stock a little pharmacy just to get through this.

This has become a full-time job in itself. Saline soaks. Moisturizer. Lidocaine. Silvadene. Nonstick pads. Laundry to keep the clean bras in rotation. And that doesn’t even include the daily shower, the endless product applications, or the drive back and forth to radiation.

I’m thankful that my job has let me step back for a while. When eventually I feel strong enough, I can work a few days, but at this point I need to just focus on taking care of myself. That grace has made this grueling routine possible.

Still, I can’t believe I have to keep going for 8 more sessions. I’m reaching the point of feeling horrified at the thought of more damage. I feel like crying and curling up in bed. Maybe that’s what I should do - stop trying to be so stoic and strong all the time. Maybe allowing myself to cry myself to sleep will help somehow. Right now, I just feel sorry for myself, overwhelmed with sadness and also I can’t help second guessing this whole situation. The first half of radiation wasn’t so bad. But now going into the second half, radiation has been very hard, and it isn’t going to get easier anytime soon. Today, everything just feels impossible.